“Gone were the days when family life was treasured, moral values were upheld and societal expectations commanded a high level of respect. In those days, the family institution was regarded as the foundation upon which the character, discipline and future of society were built.”
By Bode Durojaiye
The increasing rate of marital breakdowns and their attendant consequences for children and society at large have become a ticking time bomb that deserves urgent attention.
The disintegration of family structures has far-reaching implications, particularly for children who often bear the greatest emotional, psychological, social and economic consequences of troubled marriages and parental separation.
It is important to recognise the indispensable role of marriage and family life in building a stable society, especially if we genuinely desire to give children the best possible foundation for a productive and meaningful future.
Although children from broken homes should never be automatically labelled as delinquents or potential criminals, research and social experiences have consistently highlighted the vulnerability of children exposed to unstable family environments. Such circumstances can increase their exposure to emotional distress, neglect, poverty, poor supervision, peer pressure and other social challenges that may negatively influence their development.
Family life affects virtually everyone. What happens within individual homes eventually reflects, in one way or another, on our streets, communities and society. The values, attitudes and behavioural patterns children acquire from their earliest years significantly influence the adults they eventually become.
If we genuinely desire to tackle poverty, insecurity, juvenile delinquency and other social challenges, there is a need to strengthen family institutions and address the factors responsible for the growing breakdown of marriages.
Marriage, particularly from the religious perspective, is regarded as a sacred institution ordained by God. It represents a sacrificial commitment between two individuals who willingly leave behind certain aspects of their former lives to build a common future founded on love, understanding, responsibility and mutual respect.
It is, therefore, deeply saddening that individuals who once celebrated their unions with excitement, happiness and seemingly boundless affection sometimes become so estranged that they can hardly tolerate each other’s presence a few years into their marriages.
Marriage has traditionally occupied an important position in Nigerian society. It is often regarded as one of the indicators of maturity, responsibility and social stability.
In many communities, married individuals are accorded certain responsibilities and social recognition that unmarried persons may not readily enjoy, irrespective of their individual qualifications or capabilities.
For instance, in some Northern Nigerian communities, marriage is traditionally considered an important qualification for certain religious and community leadership responsibilities. This cultural perception does not suggest that the prayers of unmarried individuals are unacceptable to God; rather, it reflects the social significance attached to marriage in those communities.
Similarly, in traditional family decision-making structures, married individuals are sometimes given greater consideration because of the responsibilities associated with family life.
Thus, marriage has historically commanded considerable respect and recognition in different Nigerian communities.
Ironically, despite the importance attached to this institution, marital breakdowns have continued to increase, raising serious questions about what has gone wrong.
A visit to customary courts in different parts of the country would reveal the considerable number of matrimonial disputes and petitions seeking the dissolution of marriages. This raises an important question: why has an institution once regarded as one of the most respected pillars of society become a source of persistent conflict for so many couples?
The elaborate celebrations that accompany traditional and religious weddings often create the impression that the happiness experienced on the wedding day will continue indefinitely.
However, within a few years, the excitement may give way to disappointment, resentment, bitterness and, in some cases, an irreconcilable breakdown of the relationship.
Today, society is increasingly confronted with the consequences of troubled marriages and broken homes. Children caught in the middle of prolonged parental conflicts and separation may experience emotional insecurity, inadequate parental attention, financial hardship and difficulties in their social development.
In particularly difficult circumstances, some vulnerable young people may become exposed to negative influences, including substance abuse, exploitative relationships, transactional sex, unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections, including HIV.
These are not inevitable outcomes of parental separation, but they represent serious social risks that deserve attention.
The situation is indeed saddening and calls for collective reflection.
What, then, are the factors responsible for this disturbing phenomenon?
Several factors have been identified by religious leaders, marriage counsellors and social observers as contributing to the increasing rate of marital breakdowns.
Among them are excessive attention to wedding ceremonies at the expense of preparation for married life, uncontrolled anger, greed, poor communication, lack of spiritual guidance, distrust, infidelity and the absence of mutual understanding.
Many couples have failed to recognise the importance of controlling their emotions and avoiding derogatory, insulting and abusive language when disagreements arise.
Instead of resolving their differences through patience, understanding and constructive dialogue, some resort to verbal attacks, intimidation and prolonged hostility.
A marriage cannot thrive where mutual respect is absent and where either partner constantly seeks to undermine the dignity of the other.
Couples must learn to manage disagreements without allowing temporary anger to destroy the foundation of their relationship. They must also appreciate the importance of seeking divine guidance and allowing their religious convictions to influence their conduct and decisions.
Materialism and the Illusion of Wealth
Materialism is another significant factor contributing to marital instability.
In the process of seeking a woman’s hand in marriage, some men exaggerate their financial capabilities, social standing and material possessions. They make promises they know they may be unable to fulfil, creating unrealistic expectations in the minds of their prospective partners.
Unfortunately, some women who place excessive emphasis on marrying wealthy individuals fail to undertake the necessary enquiries into the character, financial circumstances and actual capabilities of their prospective husbands.
Consequently, they may find themselves in marriages that are far removed from the expectations and fantasies created during courtship.
The discovery of such discrepancies can become a source of persistent disappointment, resentment and conflict.
On the other hand, some men believe that once the marriage ceremony has been concluded, their wives should simply accept whatever circumstances they encounter, irrespective of the promises made before the wedding.
Such an attitude is equally unhealthy.
Marriage is not a licence for deception, manipulation or the deliberate frustration of one’s partner. Both parties must be honest about their circumstances, expectations and limitations from the outset.
Where material expectations replace genuine affection, mutual understanding and shared responsibility, the marriage becomes vulnerable to avoidable conflicts.
Unnecessary Parental Interference
Another major contributor to marital breakdown is the excessive interference of parents and extended family members in the affairs of married couples.
Some parents fail to appreciate that their married children have entered a new phase of life in which they must learn to make independent decisions and take responsibility for the consequences.
Rather than offering constructive advice and support, certain parents attempt to control virtually every aspect of their children’s marriages.
This interference becomes particularly problematic when parents were initially uncomfortable with the union or when they allow personal prejudices and unresolved disagreements to influence their relationship with their children’s spouses.
In some instances, conflicting instructions and expectations from both families leave the couples confused about whose advice to follow.
This is particularly common when parents, especially mothers, advise their daughters on how to conduct themselves in their matrimonial homes without considering the importance of mutual understanding, compromise and the individual circumstances of each marriage.
Parents must understand that marriage requires a reasonable degree of privacy and independence. Their responsibility should be to guide, encourage and support their children, not to become an additional source of conflict in their homes.
Of course, this does not mean that genuine cases of abuse, violence or harmful marital situations should be ignored in the name of protecting family privacy. Where safety is threatened, seeking appropriate intervention is necessary.
The Wedding Ceremony Versus the Marriage Institution
One of the most unfortunate developments in contemporary society is the excessive attention devoted to wedding ceremonies at the expense of adequate preparation for married life.
Families sometimes commit enormous financial resources, time and energy to organising elaborate traditional and religious weddings.
Considerable attention is given to wedding gowns, decorations, entertainment, reception venues, photographs, food and other ceremonial attractions.
Yet, very little attention may be devoted to preparing the intending couple for the realities, responsibilities and challenges of marriage.
The wedding ceremony is only the beginning. The real work starts after the celebrations have ended and the couple begins to navigate the everyday responsibilities of living together.
Sadly, some couples appear to abandon the spiritual principles and religious values that guided their decision to marry once the wedding celebrations are over.
After solemnising their marriages in churches or mosques, they gradually neglect the very religious teachings and spiritual guidance that should help them navigate the challenges of family life.
This should not be so.
Couples must understand that marriage requires continuous commitment, patience, forgiveness, sacrifice, emotional maturity and a willingness to grow together.
Love alone, without understanding and responsibility, may not be sufficient to sustain a marriage through difficult circumstances.
The Erosion of Traditional Values and Moral Discipline
Another issue that deserves serious reflection is the gradual erosion of certain traditional values that once helped shape family relationships and community life.
Gone, it seems, are the days when family reputation, personal conduct, chastity and moral discipline occupied prominent positions in the social expectations of many Nigerian communities.
In earlier generations, issues surrounding sexual conduct before marriage, including virginity, attracted considerable social and family attention. In some traditional settings, parents regarded the discovery that their daughters were not virgins at marriage as a source of embarrassment.
While such historical expectations reflected the moral and cultural standards of their time, it is important to recognise that a person’s dignity and worth cannot be determined solely by sexual history. The same standards of honesty, responsibility and respect must apply to both men and women.
Nevertheless, the broader concern about the weakening of moral discipline, mutual respect and personal responsibility remains relevant.
Today, many traditional values are increasingly dismissed by some young people as outdated or old-fashioned. Respect for elders, cultural heritage, family obligations and the preservation of indigenous customs sometimes appear to be losing their place in contemporary society.
Our rich cultural festivals, traditional ceremonies and inherited social values should not automatically be regarded as relics of the past. They contain important lessons about communal identity, responsibility, respect and social cohesion.
The challenge before us is not to reject modernity but to embrace progress without abandoning those values that promote responsible living and harmonious relationships.
The transformation of society should not come at the expense of its moral foundation.
The Way Forward
If we genuinely desire a society characterised by responsible citizens, emotionally stable children and peaceful communities, we must begin by paying greater attention to the family institution.
Intending couples should receive adequate premarital counselling and prepare themselves emotionally, spiritually, financially and psychologically for the responsibilities ahead.
Married couples must cultivate unfettered love, mutual understanding, respect, tolerance, honesty and effective communication.
Parents and extended family members should learn to respect the independence of married couples while remaining available to provide constructive guidance and support.
Religious institutions, traditional rulers, community leaders and relevant government agencies also have important roles to play in promoting responsible family life, marriage education and the protection of vulnerable children.
Most importantly, couples must understand that marriage is not a competition in which one partner must dominate the other. It is a partnership that requires the combined commitment of both individuals.
Where marriages encounter serious difficulties, couples should seek appropriate counselling and intervention rather than allowing resentment and hostility to escalate unchecked. Equally, no one should be compelled to remain in an abusive or dangerous relationship under the pretext of preserving marriage.
The survival of the family institution must be built on love, responsibility, justice and mutual respect.
A society that neglects its families risks undermining the very foundation upon which its future depends.
To be continued ……..